When Keeping It Real Becomes a Cover for Being Cruel
We’ve all met that person who swears they’re not mean, they’re just “real.” The one who constantly reminds everyone that people can’t handle their honesty. That they’re always being called rude or harsh, but really, they’re just telling the truth. And sure, sometimes being direct does get unfairly mistaken for being mean. But let’s be honest: most of us know the difference.
We know the difference between someone who’s clear and someone who’s cutting. Between someone who’s honest and someone who uses “the truth” as a weapon. And yet, we’ve normalized this idea that if it’s true, it doesn’t matter how it’s said or who gets hurt in the process.
We’ve somehow started confusing tactlessness with authenticity. Like being “real” automatically gives you permission to be reckless with your words. As if “I’m just honest” or “I’m blunt” means you don’t have to take responsibility for how you show up. But here’s the truth: honesty without tact is cruelty.
And here’s the other truth: no one owes you a soft landing place for your cruelty.
What does that soft landing place look like? It’s the friend who absorbs the sting of your words and stays silent so you don’t feel uncomfortable. It’s the colleague who takes your harsh feedback with a smile, even though it left them shaken. It’s the friend who sits through your “brutal honesty” and has to self-soothe while you walk away feeling proud of how “real” you are.
It’s people swallowing hurt and cushioning your impact because you couldn’t be bothered to lead with care.
Ask Yourself: Why Are You Telling This Truth?
Before you speak your truth, stop and ask yourself a real question: to what end?
Are you sharing it to create clarity or to release your frustration?
Are you hoping to move forward or just to be right?
Do you want to repair something or just punish someone for how they made you feel?
Not all “truth-telling” is rooted in love. Some of it is rooted in ego, the desire for moral superiority, and unprocessed resentment. And if the truth you're telling doesn't open the door to anything but hurt or harm, maybe it's not the truth that needs to come out right now. Maybe it's your need to feel powerful. Maybe it's your anger. Maybe it's your unhealed wound looking for somewhere to land.
Honesty should move us toward understanding, resolution, and growth. If it doesn't, then it's just emotional dumping dressed up as “keeping it real.”
Where Does the Cruelty Come From?
This whole “I’m just blunt” thing often comes from ego, insecurity, or survival.
Sometimes people learn early on that being the loudest or most direct gets them heard, especially if they grew up in environments where they felt overlooked. Sometimes, cruelty was modeled as clarity with parents, teachers, or workplaces that normalized harshness and called it leadership.
And sometimes, people are just protecting themselves. They believe that if they don’t say things with force, they won’t be taken seriously. So they swing hard, hoping it’ll land.But protection doesn’t have to look like punishment. And speaking your truth doesn’t mean you get to bypass compassion.
We have to be real enough with ourselves to name when “just being honest” is actually a mask for being unkind.
What Does Tact Look Like in Practice?
Tact isn’t about being vague or sugarcoating, it’s about being intentional and compassionate. I’ve definitely had moments where I’ve leaned more into cruelty than care, but I’ve been reflecting on what my ideal self would do instead. These are a few reminders I’ve pulled from my journal, ways I try to check in with myself before I engage with people I’m in relationship with
Checking your tone before you speak. You can be firm without being demeaning
Asking for consent before giving unsolicited feedback: “Can I share something that might be hard to hear?”
Timing your truth. Not everything needs to be said right now, especially if emotions are high
Naming the impact without stripping someone of their dignity
Being open to repair. Tact means you’re aware of your impact and willing to own it if you miss the mark
Tact is how we ask people to be accountable and hold space for their humanity. It’s the difference between a conversation that leaves someone clearer and one that leaves them crushed.
Relationships (real, lasting, nourishing ones) don’t thrive on unfiltered truth alone. They thrive on truth delivered with care. With humility. With tact.
So before you pat yourself on the back for “just telling it like it is,” ask yourself: Are you being honest to bring clarity and connection, or are you being harsh because you’ve convinced yourself they deserve the fallout?
